I’m so afraid of the future that I can’t even enjoy the present. Basically every single guy I’ve been with has left me for someone else. The relationships may have been happy for months or even years, but eventually they find someone “better.” And I know I’m not gorgeous or thin or cool, but why does every single guy I meet seem to have one foot out the door? If I’m happy to be with a person — despite whatever his flaws or problems might be — why can’t someone feel the same about me? I don’t look at a guy’s superficial qualities or interests or tastes to determine his worth. I base my feelings for him on how I feel when I’m with him, and whatever’s going on in the rest of the world can fuck off because there are only two people in the relationship, not the whole damn world.

I guess I believe that the majority of guys I’m with or like don’t like me because of my outward appearance, although I have no idea if that’s realistic or not. I know the last one left me for the most part (I think) because I wasn’t physically there. I’ve just always felt that the reason I didn’t have a boyfriend was because I was overweight or not pretty enough or not cool or didn’t dress right or was weird. My friends have told me for years that I just don’t go out enough, but I’m so fucked up in the head about myself that that doesn’t sound like a good enough reason.

I also have a history of dating guys with fucking gorgeous ex-girlfriends. These are girls who ended up models, who have gorgeous hair and bodies and faces and lives, and I look like fucking Jabba the Hut in comparison. Not even Jabba the Hut ’cause at least he’s got some fucking character goin’ on in his face. The one adjective I get is “cute.” I am twenty-six years old, and all I can get is “cute.” Like I’m a fucking bunny or Powerpuff girl or something. I’ve gotten a few beautifuls and one or two hots, but usually it’s cute. And who wants cute when you can have gorgeous? Sure, I may be vaguely intelligent and occasionally funny and generous and caring and dedicated and kind, but goddamn it, leave that shit alone because she’s fucking cute.

Anyway. Before this last guy, I was happy with myself. I wasn’t anything I’m not now, but I was still pretty confident in who I was. And I was like that for about a year until he broke up with me. I was okay with myself before he liked me and when he liked me, but when his feelings wavered, it was more than just a rejection — it was like being told that I wasn’t good enough for him or to be in a relationship. For four months, we continued “talking,” meaning that we were still basically emotionally involved, just without the commitment. Even when we were officially dating, I started doing this thing I find myself doing in every single relationship I’ve been in. I started nagging him about how much he liked me, what did he think of me, was there someone else, etc. etc. I knew I was pushing him away by doing it, but my anxiety was so severe that I almost couldn’t stop myself. The only way to lessen my anxiety was to be reassured by him, but, here’s the thing — I was never reassured. No matter what he said or how he said it, it never made one bit of difference as to how I felt. Any relief I got was very, very temporary.

I don’t even know what I wanted to hear. All I know is that no words or commitment could have comforted me. And no guy is ever going to make me feel better about myself in the long run. Compliments are wonderful and amazing things, and declarations of like or love are even better, but they don’t determine my worth or fix me. I’ve intellectually known that all along, but I don’t feel it yet. I just know that there is some part of me from years upon years ago who wanted so desperately to feel love, and I still haven’t learned how to love myself without a man there to back me up. I’ve avoided relationships so I could take care of myself and love myself on my own, but I haven’t learned how to still be okay when someone leaves me or doesn’t give me exactly what I want or need.

But, honestly, I’m pretty okay with myself. I’m pretty okay with my life. And I’m still optimistic, and I still believe that things are the way they are for a reason, and that things will work out when they’re meant to.

Overall, a pretty up and down year. The first six months were amazing, the latter half hasn’t been that good, although there are a few really good things in my life right now.

I hope 2010 is the year I desperately want it to be. I hope my era of problems is over. I’m tired of being depressed, hurt, confused, unsuccessful, unhappy with myself, heartbroken, and unfulfilled. I hope with all my heart that this year isn’t perfect, but that there are a few utterly perfect moments in it. I had a few of those in 2009, and I hope there are many, many more this year. And I hope I am happy enough to recognize them.

Here are a few Christmas-y pictures I’ve taken within the last few days:

Gingerbread house I decorated.

My white Christmas tree.

Some presents I’ve already wrapped. (Still have like 10+ to buy.)

My cutesie wrapping paper.

Sparkly deer.

 
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The Guy — out of nowhere — told me he was dating someone in the beginning of last month. One day it was “you’re the girl I care about,” and literally about a week later it was “I’ve been dating a girl from work.” I feel sick to my stomach even thinking about it. Not because I’m still in love with him, because I’m not, but because — once again — something like that could completely blindside me. And since I know that he never reads my blog (because he lost interest in anything I was doing online a long time ago), I will freely admit that I miss him. I mostly miss his friendship and our conversations, but some days I miss more. And it’s hard to move on when there’s nothing really to move on to.

I hadn’t had my period since early August due to ovarian cysts, so my doctor prescribed me something to make me start it. Now I have my period, and I am a massive mess of hormones and sadness and bloat. I feel like crying, but, of course, my old block has returned, trying to keep me from feeling anything but numb, trying to hold back tears that, for whatever reason, I keep myself from shedding.

I feel talentless and unmotivated. I feel like the odd one out in my family, the one who ended up with absolutely nothing to show for 26 years of living. And, seriously, how the fuck did I end up here? How I have I gone through hell, come out hopeful, and yet still feel utterly worthless? Why is that one day I believe in myself and the next believe in nothing? I’ve believed for so long that there’s a reason for all of the shit in my life, but now I can’t imagine what that reason would be. And if there is a reason, can I hold on long enough for my life to sort itself out? How long should I wait before giving up? A year? Five? Ten?

At eighteen, I would have told you emphatically that at twenty-six, I would have a college degree, a relationship, and happiness. Today I’d tell you almost as emphatically that I’d have those things at thirty-one. I’m not sure at this point if that’s optimism or just idiocy.

There’s still a twinge of hope in me, though. I said recently that I’d rather die trying than just giving up because I’m going to die either way. At least with the former, I can die knowing that at least I tried, even if nothing worked.

FB group: If Emily is in a Longterm Relationship Within 5 Years, Drinks are on Her

I’ve been having a hard time lately. This whole summer has been hard. I feel like I keep getting hit with one thing after another, and the optimism I’ve been working so hard to keep is currently faltering. I’m trying so hard to remind myself that things are the way they are for a reason, that I don’t need to worry about what I should do because there are no wrong decisions. That’s the only thing that’s kept me going.

For whatever reason, I’ve become more spiritual this summer. I had a thought a few months ago — that maybe some people have to go through hell in order to see that there is some Good in the world. My heart has been broken several times in the past few months — more times that it should have in such a short amount of time — and yet I feel like everything is still going to be okay.

I don’t know why things are the way they are right now, but I feel like there is some reason. Maybe I’m supposed to learn or gain something from my current situation. Maybe it will eventually work out. Maybe it won’t, but it’ll lead me to something that does. I’m trying to realize that not knowing is okay. I hate not having the answers, I hate not knowing where things are going, I hate not having a definite future. Maybe accepting those things and accepting that I can’t control everything is part of why this is happening.

All I can do is try, and I know that. I can’t fix everything or make everything what I want it to be, but I can keep pushing forward and making life what I can. I can be sad and hurt, but eventually I need to pick myself up, change out of my pajamas, and live the life that I have in the best way I can. All I have is this moment, and there’s no sense in dwelling on the past or worrying about the future if I can’t fix either right now.

All I can do is make do with what I have and mend myself.

As promised last week, here is my FF entry with all sorts of things that make me think of the upcoming season. I plan to carry this list on into next week!

Acorn necklace
from Peaches4Me

Woodland fascinator
from thehoneycomb

Harvest yarn wreath
from KnockKnocking

Acorn stamp
from Corrabelle

Ivory stag locket
from locket2you

Hand-carved return address label
from sugarskull77

“Stained Glass” 8×8 photograph
from shannonpix

FALL sign letter
from oldcrowfarm

Whoops. I forgot to list the prices. I’m too tired, y’all.

I had planned to do it this week, but next week I’ll be doing a special FF on autumn-related finds. If you’re selling anything or have found anything online (doesn’t have to be Etsy) that makes you think of fall, comment with a link!

The following are all things I purchased in the past couple of weeks. I can’t believe how much I’ve spent on myself since getting my job.

Bloom personalized stationery
from Silhouette Blue
I bought these in pool. I cannot describe how gorgeous they are, and I really hate not having a camera. (I plan on taking a TON of pictures of things I’ve bought once I get one.)

Vintage green wall organizer
from violet64
I’d been wanting this for awhile, and when my Adsense check came in, I snatched it up. It’s adorable, and I can’t wait to start using it!

Vintage-style cotton jar
from BlueCaravan
Another item I’d been drooling over. The thing is huge and awesome. Now I just need cotton balls…

Rose and feather fascinator with bird
from beevintagehoney
And the third item I bought with my Adsense money. GAH! It is so gorgeous, and I can’t wait to wear it out.

Springtime animals “Chloe” apron
from Boojiboo
I’ve been wanting an apron from Boojiboo for as long as I’ve known about Etsy, and I finally splurged on this one. It is so incredibly cute.

So I need letters to send and receive, cotton balls, a place to go to wear my fascinator, a day off, and something to bake, and I’ll be good!

Congratulations, Leaa!

If you didn’t win, don’t fret! I will be having another contest soon!

Owl tape measure – $18
from feltmates
The cuteness. is. killing me.

Hostess apron -$27
from spicerakdesigns
How perfect a hostess apron is this?!

Knitware vases – $60
from alyssaettinger
I have been coveting a knit-print vase or mug for over a year now. These are gorgeous.

Vinyl wall phrases (set of eight) – $19
from TastySuite
I love, love the idea of having the outside of one’s door read “hello” and the inside read “good-bye.”

Deer headband – $32
from prettygoodthings
Yes, dear readers, I would absolutely wear this around the house and to the store. I’m either weird or extremely fabulous. Let’s pretend the latter — and who wouldn’t look fabulous in this?!

“Hello” necklace – $95

Squirrel & branch earrings – $46
both from Joannarutter
The cutest, sweetest jewelry I’ve seen in the longest time. It’s so friendly and cheerful, and I absolutely love it.

Black dress with ruffle collar – $945
from louiseblack
Would I wear this with the deer headband? Yes. Yes, I would.

I also discovered Operation Nice this week. The whole premise of the site and movement is to be nice. I’ve been told I’m too nice, and it’s true, but I’ve found that smiling when others are irritable towards you is the best way to live life. So next time you’re out and in a long line, or someone cuts you off in traffic, or a customer yells at you about something totally not your fault, just smile your way through it. You may want to punch yourself in the face initially and find yourself snarling through a grin, but if you remember that everyone is human and that being angry is just a waste of time, you’ll probably find yourself in a better place in life. Or just punching yourself over the cheesiness you exude, but it’s worth a shot, right? Hey, it’s working for me. (And I’ll post about my optimism experiment when I have a chance.)

Currently coveting:

• Most of the stuff from last week!
• Pink depression glass
• Ornate picture frames
• A birdcage veil
• Deer, squirrels, owls, and foxes