And so must this blog.

I bought this domain in 2002, and it’s gone through many, many transformations. And so have I. When I first created this website, I was an eighteen year old, freshly out of high school and a four year relationship, and I had so many plans for myself. I was going to be a theatre major and find the man of my dreams and move to London and a million other things.

But then life happened. I spent the last few years of my teens and almost the first half of my early twenties crippled by depression and horrible anxiety. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. For about a year, I was agoraphobic. I had to leave school and work my ass off in therapy to be able to actually have a life. And, finally, I found myself again. And though I never accomplished the things I had intended to when I was eighteen, surviving my depression was maybe the greatest accomplishment of my life, at least thus far.

I had jobs and boyfriends and made mistakes and was horribly awkward and shy in every situation, but I was living. But my depression and self-doubt were always following me, and though I pushed through them, there was always the nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I was a fuck up and fat and worthless and useless and not good enough. And it’s still there. It’s there every day of my life.

The longest relationship of my adult life was on and off for nearly three years with an old high school friend. I loved him beyond words, and I knew he didn’t feel the same, but I kept trying to hold us together. I couldn’t. In January, he ended things for good to get back together with the girl he’s pined after for years, the girl who kept him from loving me. I was heartbroken. Once again, I wasn’t good enough. This was literally the sixth time he had broken up with me, but each break-up — though never a surprise — was a crushing blow to both my heart and my self-esteem.

Then last month, I lost my job. Driving home that afternoon, I had the realization that things were finally going to be okay. I felt free. I knew then that I had been given — through two major losses — the ability to have a fresh start. The world is open to me. I feel like I did as that eighteen year old — scared and sad, but full of hope. I have vowed not to let this opportunity pass me by. I have a chance to get my shit together and be exactly who I want to be, and I’m going to do it.

So this is a new chapter in my life, and it happens to fall in the year I end my twenties and begin my thirties, which will hopefully be a less dramatic time. So it’s time for me to bid my old life farewell, and find myself again. Part of that is beginning a new website, one that will be filled with my adventures, my self-discovery, and things I probably can’t even imagine yet. I’m pretty excited about my life for once. It’s a strange feeling.

So… meet you there?

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March 06 2013  |  (4 comments)
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  • Shahed @ July 20, 2014 : 5:44 pm

    I was looking for something else on livejournal and somehow ended up on this page (you know how that happens…) and I read this blog post. That’s a lot of shit you’ve been through and that is not easy at all. I myself have been diagnosed with PTSD too so I know how hard it is to try to hold things together everyday and try to live life the best you can.

    I’m glad I found your blog! I get pretty tired of reading surface level crap about makeup, beauty and stuff like then when people usually have so much more meaningful stuff to share.

    Hope everything works out <3

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My name is Emily, and I'm a twenty-eight year old living in western Tennessee. I have the compulsion to always keep my hands busy, and blogging keeps me from doing more less constructive things. Painted Eyes is a collection of my loves, my life, and anything else I feel like posting. I was never good at themed blogs! Read more...

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