I’ve been listening to a lot of Patsy Cline for the past couple of days. For some reason, her songs make me feel better; if so many songs in the world exist about heartbreak, then I must not be as alone as I feel. I’m sure you’re thinking, “Wow, Emily, other people get their hearts broken? What a novel idea!” but it’s easy to forget that pain is universal when you’re wallowing in it.

Things have been pretty terrible the past few months. I had met someone who I truly wanted to be with, and I was genuinely, stupidly happy for the first time in a long, long time. But that went to hell, and now I have no idea what the hell I’m doing or feeling. I feel like I’m not “supposed to” hurt, but I do. I’m hurt that someone I believe in doesn’t believe in me, or at least that aspect of me. Hell, I don’t know what he feels or wants, period. All I know is that this fucking sucks.

I’m usually very private with my feelings about these things, but I’ve gotten tired of livejournal in the past few years, and I don’t feel like writing everything out in my paper journal. Besides which, I’m not mentioning names or divulging personal information, not to mention that fact that he doesn’t look at my website or anything anymore. I guess I’m not interesting anymore. I know I’m not pretty enough or interesting enough or smart enough or talented enough. I usually couldn’t care less what people think about me, but it hurts like hell when someone used to think you were something special and then, all the sudden, just doesn’t.

(And I’m not talking shit about him at all. I probably could, and no one would blame me, but I won’t. I’m willing to take my share of the blame for things going on, and just because things have been bad doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. Hell. I wouldn’t care so damn much if he was.)

In about a month and a half, I’ll have been unemployed for two years. Two years. I don’t even know how that happened. I admittedly probably haven’t searched as much as I should have (there’s that word again), but I’ve had other things going on, and so I’m not going to beat myself up. My anxiety has been extremely high over the past few months, and my depression has made another appearance, and I’m trying to take care of myself emotionally rather than financially because that’s about all I can do right now.

I also suspect I am having thyroid problems. I was diagnosed years ago with hypthyroidism and had previously been on medication, but I lapsed. I’ve wondered for awhile if that was what was wrong with me, and finally decided to call my doctor and have bloodwork taken. I’m planning to call in the morning (if I can get out of bed).

You know how you feel when you’re sick, and you can’t pull yourself out of bed because your entire body feels heavy and weak and sore and tired? That’s how I feel all the time. And how I’ve felt for years. I found some lists of symptoms of hypothyroidism recently and I was like, holy shit, other people feel like this all the time? The symptoms are like fatigue (yep), weakness (yep), weight gain or difficulty losing weight (hell yep), hair loss (oh yep), muscle cramps and aches (yep), constipation (do I even remember the last time I pooped? no), depression (no! never!), irritability (yep), abnormal menstrual cycles (yeppp), decreased libido (ye– actually, no).

OH MY LIFE HURTS.

Not to mention that I won’t be going to school fall semester. Again. Eh. I’ve basically reverted to extreme pessimism regarding my life, which has actually turned out to just be realism. Maybe I should start being super optimistic so the results will be extra hilarious. I’m going to be happy! Everything’s going to work out great! Good things are just around the corner! HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!

So maybe I’ll try the disgustingly optimistic thing, à la Happy-Go-Lucky. It can’t get much worse at this point, anyway.

*sounds of car crash*