So, this is not something I feel especially compelled to write about in a public blog — especially since I’ve not even talked to most of my friends about it yet — but considering this post, I kind of feel like this website will make absolutely no sense without some sort of explanation. Not that it makes sense, anyway. My site, I mean.

The guy I was dating and I broke up. The main reason is that — as I said — we live 1,000 miles apart, and that was straining the relationship. We’re both still going to try to make things work between us, just not under the boyfriend/girlfriend label. I feel like a loser and a failure, even though I know this is the right decision. Knowing and feeling are two different things, and although my brain may be fine with this, it doesn’t mean my heart isn’t a little bit broken. Like I said, we’re still both going to make this work, but I can’t help being sad right now. I think I have every right to be sad. I don’t have a necessarily good track record with relationships.

My first real boyfriend cheated on me with at least three different girls. The first time he dumped me was about a week after I lost my virginity to him, because he had met someone else. Though he and I ended up getting back together (I was young, and my feelings were focused on how much I “loved” this guy, and not about how a guy who fucks you and then dumps you for someone else should be fucking kicked in the nuts), that initial devastation of being broken up with has haunted me since. It was out of the blue, I didn’t expect it, and I felt torn apart inside. I have no doubt that a big reason I’m upset right now is because those feelings and memories have been stirred up.

My longest relationship was four years long — all four years of high school. He was the first guy I was truly in love with, and although a good deal of the relationship was volatile, he was my best friend and the person I wanted to spend most of my time with. It ended abrubtly — we just quit talking — and when I found out severeal years later from the girl he dated after me that he had cheated on me several times with at least two girls, I was, again, devastated.

There have been other guys, other relationships, other times I felt completely attached to someone, but those were the two that have shaped my life thus far. My younger sister told me once that every relationship you’re in is going to fail until one doesn’t.

So this current one has taken a step backwards or a hiatus or whatever this is. The truth is that I’m okay with waiting because he’s a good guy, and I don’t want to destroy what’s between us because neither of us is ready to make a certain step, but we try to make it anyway.

I have Rivanna Junction on repeat — especially “Wait At Milano” — and it’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.