Really Nice Things A Guy I Was Dating Said To Me

1. “Wow! You’re not as heavy as you look!”
2. (After telling him about how two guys I used to date dated a really gorgeous girl before me, this was his explanation as to why they then dated me.) “Well, maybe they quit caring about looks.”

Rules In My Life

1. I will get bronchitis every month or two, which is a blast to have, let me tell you. I love not being able to breathe or move and thinking, “JESUS LORD MY BODY SHOULD NOT CREATE THINGS THIS VIBRANTLY COLORED.”
2. The only guys who will be interested in me will have girlfriends. The only guys I will be interested in will be imaginary or completely unattainable. (Imaginary guys – I’ll have you know – are totally attainable. Right now my imaginary boyfriend and I live together in imaginary sin, but one day he will propose imaginary marriage.)
3. I must never have a period every 28 days, but rather every three months, and then sometimes every two weeks, just as a pleasant surprise when I’m out and wearing nice pants.
4. I will remember massive amounts of trivial information (name of former co-worker’s dog, middle school class schedules, my exes’ phone numbers), but can never remember where I put my fucking keys.