1. The trip does not begin at the store or mall. Oh, no! The car rides there and back are just as important. Be sure to drive either 15 miles below the speed limit or 35 miles above. Honk at sane drivers and scream at them, throwing up your arms. (Even better if you have a red sweater with Santa or other festive items knitted on it or a wreath on your car – this lets the other person know that you would otherwise be jolly if it weren’t for he or she fucking up your style.) Do not use your turn signals, ride people’s tails, and be sure to use your brights at night. Christmas is not a time for formalities.

2. Talk on your cell phone loudly whilst shopping. This way you share the holiday joy of shopping and muzak with loved ones who cannot be with you (they may be at the Wal-Mart across town, but it’s not your Wal-Mart!), and let others know you are a friendly, loving person. It’s also a good idea to actually walk away from your cart (preferably while it’s in the middle of the aisle – see number 3) to talk on the phone. Scientific studies have proven that cell phone reception is poorer around shopping carts, especially in the month of December.

3. Aisles are meant for one person to use at a time. It is your right and, yes, responsibility to place your cart in the middle of the aisle. If someone wants to pass through, play “shopping chicken.” Stare blankly at a shelf, and he or she will eventually go to the next aisle and come to yours from the other side. It is also perfectly okay to leave your cart in an aisle while you talk to someone, use your phone, or browse elsewhere.

While you do have this right, you should really do this in less popular areas of the store – toys, electronics, and Christmas decor. Most people will be in the garden center, looking for a new lawnmower or patio furniture.

4. If you are shopping with a partner, you should always use two carts and walk side-by-side. You want to show your affection to the world at this special time of year! Do not break this bond! Plus you can block aisles so much easier this way.

Feel free to argue with your loved one in the middle of the store. If you wouldn’t do it in front of the kids, of course you should do in a crowded store! No one will be bothered by your yelling, and arguments on finances are always solved best when money is involved in the current activity.

5. Christmas is for the children. This is why you should always let your children do as they wish during this time of year. If they are usually about as well behaved as David Huckabee at Boy Scout Camp, be assured that they will be no trouble when you let them loose in a store. As soon as you walk into the store, gently say, “Now behave.” This lets your children know what you expect, but also that you love them unconditionally and will give them anything they want, even if they are hauled out by their ears by security guards while employees cry as they try to reassemble the entire toy section. And if such a thing occurs, this is purely the fault of the retail associates. They are not only salespeople, but trained baby-sitters, and should cater to your children’s needs.

6. Charity shmarity. Christmas isn’t about sick or poor people. Simply roll your eyes at the Salvation Army guy. He will appreciate your candor. What are poor people going to do with your money anyway? It’s not like they can afford a computer to play Webkinz on.

7. Not only are the people who work in retail trained baby-sitters, they are also psychics, geniuses, and masochists. When you walk into a store, expect every single employee to be there for you at every moment. This is why they are paid $6.50 an hour (and should darn tootin’ be happy with it – their work isn’t that hard, and that’s more than enough to pay for bills, children, gas, rent, and the alcohol that all blue collar employees chug every night). Associates will know everything about every product in the store – even about products at other stores. At Target? Ask an employee how much something is at Wal-Mart, where it is located in the store, and what it’s features are. You will be amazed to find that the associate knows everything!

You should also expect for an associate to follow you around and hold items for you while you shove them in his or her hands and force him to ignore his work and all other customers. (Some employees are trained for certain areas or certain jobs. This does not mean they will have to stay later or have to work harder to finish their work. Instead they will use a special robot located in the back room to complete it.)

If you don’t know what someone wants for a gift, simply ask, “What should I give so-and-so?” Although the associate has never met said person, he or she will use his company-supplied third eye to psychically know everything about the receiver and know exactly what he or she would like.

Find something in the store that is ugly or can be improved? Complain in great detail to an employee. Each store has a secret phone that is direct link to the company president. Whenever anyone complains, an associate immediately gets on the phone and lets the president know. He will go right to work to change the product just for you.

If a product does not work or isn’t in stock, this is purely the fault of the nearest associate. He or she broke or hid the item simply to piss you off. Yell and insult the employee – do not be afraid to create a scene. This embarrasses the employee – not you – because yelling, “They have 10 at the other store! Why don’t you have any?” doesn’t make you look like an idiot at all. This also applies to prices. Companies never have the same prices or sales from store to store, so be sure to yell when an item was a different price at another store. Besides all that, yelling is good for people in retail. They like it. It shows them their faults and makes them respectable, refined members of society – like you!